Tuesday, October 19, 2010

sOMETIMES yOU fEEL lIKE a nUT...

And sometimes you just look like one; and put that evidence out there for everyone else to see! I appear to have a slight problem with COLLECTING... this... or that... and everything in between!!! My poor little computer is ready to commit mutiny - she is stuffed to the gills!
{Heavy sigh...}
I am trying so hard to get all of my lovelies up so that I can share what I've been so generously given; I'm already at over 1600 uploads to this site. And I have at least as many to go... I like this site the best, I can put up what I want and the people I like can come at their convenience, browse, download what suits their fancy. And the unlimited uploads on the free account - you can't beat that with a stick! So why does this site have to be so freakin' frustrating!!! (Yes, I am pulling my hair out, AGAIN.) Maybe if I make my computer purge... NO! NO! NO! that sounds way to much like a crash! So, on I go, gently coaxing my over-burdened little sweetie to give up her treasures for you. Slowly, but surely...
It all makes me see how impatient I am; everything just seems to take so long. Not just uploading files, either. The big stuff... you know, like the things in me I want to change. Another area of frustration for me. I can see the way I want to be - so clearly sometimes. The ministry I want to be a part of, the projects I want to complete (or even just start.) The habits I wish I could just spit out in the sink as I brush my teeth, and watch them as they melt away going down the drain. And then there are the things I wish could be the way they used to be. Bittersweet stuff. I am so impatient.
I have a friend who frequently asks me, "So, what part of you are you working on these days; what's your right-now big personal project." Sometimes I'd like to kick him in the shin. Especially last week; everything he had to say, the advice he had to give, it, well, it just plain pissed me off!!! I pouted, and cried and tried to make everyonelse around me as miserable as his questioning made me feel. And then I realized he was right; I didn't ADMIT it right away, but isn't that how it goes? We know, deep, deep down where we're falling short. We see it. We may put on a pair of blinders, but we KNOW it's there. At least, in a lot of things, I do. It just hurts - and sometimes embarrasses me - when someone else lets me know they can see it too. And I always think I'm hiding my deficiencies so well. Not trying very hard to hide my vexation I answered, " Well, why?" Meaning, why do I ALWAYS have to be working on something; it does get rather exhausting trying to fix myself all the time! He responded, "Well ,I guess when you're perfect you don't have to work on anything." Meeee-ow, AND OUCH! I didn't mean it THAT way.
But it gets even better... That night at church I spent some time talking with a dear friend and she asked me the same thing!!! I think I got some 'splainin' to do! I really don't find myself anywhere near perfect; I see it more as, there is so much that needs fixing, where the heck do I start?! But here is why she is a dear friend. She said, " And isn't it amazing that THAT is when God gives us wide open space. He's there, but He knows that sometimes we have to figure out what to do." Wide open spaces, hmmm. I feel more like I need to be hemmed in; like I've been roaming around in the wide open spaces for so long that I've forgotten where I am - or where I'm going. I am so WAY a needs-boundries-girl. Wide open spaces scare me. That's a lot of territory; a lot of freedom. Following the rules is so much easier. What am I supposed to do with nothing around, no-one in sight?
Aha... it is in that serene stillness that I find me again. There is a song based on a chapter in Psalms, that says, "You dance over me, while I am unaware. You sing over me, and I never hear a sound. Lord, I'm amazed by You, and how you love me." This is what the wide open spaces make me think of: in that stillness and quiet, maybe, just maybe, I will be able to see the beautiful dance Christ is making out of my life. Or, if I allow myself to be overwhelmed by God's greatness in the middle of the nothingness, I can hope that I will hear the words to His song, His sweet melody surrounding me. And in the seeing, and the hearing, I may truly see with clarity where I want to go; who I want to be. I need wide open space, so much.
So, I think that for right now, I am going to sit on the rock of God's Word in the wide open space of His love, listening to the joy of His song and seeing the beauty in His dance. How I want to be swept up, awed in all of that! I have been working so hard at just being for a very long season of my life. I have been running hard on the path to God's healing for almost as long. I think that resting, and worshiping is a good place to be for awhile. One of the things I have latched onto with surprising ferocity, is putting pen to paper. Not writing, so much, but... well, doodling. It sounds weird, I know, but taking the little snippets that help me to see God and adding my colors and pictures has been curiously healing. Over time I will share what I've done with the hope that it is the exact thing that God needs someone out there to know.
Know that you are loved by the King of kings, no matter who you are, what you've done or where you've been - or where you're at: YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made. And, deeply loved... just for being you. Maybe even especially so just for being a nut!
In His love,
Tonya

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